How To Identify & Manage a Narcissist in the Workplace.
Research shows that most workplaces have at least one toxic coworker[1]. If you have ever worked in a toxic environment or alongside a toxic co-worker, you know how frustrating and helpless it can be to manage your own behavior and emotions.
What is a Toxic Coworker?
Toxic coworkers wreak havoc for everyone around them in the workplace. The person might be rude, combative, argumentative, overly or under positive, dramatic, overly talkative, take credit for others’ work, not do their fair share of the workload, or narcissistic. This is not to say that all toxic coworkers are bad; sometimes they are just having a bad day. Knowing how to manage these types of personalities can make your workday a lot easier. This blog will address one specific type of toxic coworker and that is the narcissist.
The Narcissist: This is probably one of the more difficult toxic coworkers to deal with and requires internal boundaries (external boundaries do not work with narcissists) and self-control. These types of toxic coworkers take credit for your hard work, give backhanded compliments, ridicule you in front of coworkers, blame you for things, know your weaknesses and exploit them, actively tries to get you demoted or fired, lies to get ahead, seems to compete with everyone, spreads gossip abut you and then denies it when you confront them, sabotages your work, pressures you to do things that are unethical, and they get jealous of your accomplishments. While they will initially present themselves as friendly and helpful and everyone will initially be in awe of their intelligence, eventually someone will figure out their game. The narcissist will run out of people to sabotage and blame, until a new hire comes along. Narcissists are exhausting with their shallow conversations, self-promotion, and lack of consideration for others. They tend to be individuals who enjoy telling other people how to do their jobs even if they have no education or training to do so. One review of three studies [2] found that narcissistic people are more willing to lie, cheat, and steal than others. In one study, it was shown that these tactics are about domination. They leave very little room for values such as inclusiveness, diversity, compassion, connection, learning, empathy, or self-awareness. In the simplest of terms, the narcissist coworker is a workplace bully.
How Do You Know If Your Coworker Is A Narcissist?
The bully narcissist has specific tools for engagement:
1. Projecting: The act of projecting is placing ones struggles and characteristics onto another in an effort to overt ownership. For example, an aggressive bully narcissist may accuse their target of being malicious or deceitful when in fact it is them that try to screw other people over.
2. Gaslighting: This is a favorite tool for all narcissists. In the workplace this may be displayed when you confront the bully about an offense and they deny the situation and insist it was not that way, causing you to feel like you have to question your sanity.
3. Raging: Bully narcissists tend to act childlike in their temper-tantrums, tossing out accusations when they are disappointed, irritated, or called out for bad behavior.
4. Smear Campaigns and Flying Monkeys: Bully narcissists can become enraged when challenged or contradicted. In an attempt to save their self-doubt, they often spread gossip about the target in an effort to damage their reputation. The narcissist will often times deploy flying monkeys or co-conspirators to intensify the spread of slander and to be their ears in the office to report back information that can be used against you.
There are a few pieces of advice that well-meaning family members, colleagues, friends, and even managers might give that in a normal situation would be helpful and thoughtful but when dealing with a bully narcissist will prove to be disastrous.
1. It’s just a personality conflict, you should talk it out: Bully narcissists cannot reasonably engage in open and honest conversations, especially when their behavior is challenged. This reasonable attempt to deal with the bully will only result in more escalations so, when possible, it’s best to just disengage and avoid. Avoid fighting with the bully. Narcissists are famous for finding your weak spot and exploiting it. Keep in mind that this person is sick – and then with all your strength, walk away.
2. It wasn’t that bad; you just need to not worry about it and stop being so sensitive: You may have the misfortune of being the narcissist’s main target as they usually zero in on people who are performing better or have a good set of friends in the workplace. They hate anyone who is perceived as “better” or “smarter” than them. Their behavior has nothing to do with you – it’s about them, and the deep insecurity they feel. Being on the receiving end of a bully narcissist’s behavior can be traumatizing. It may be helpful to write yourself a permission slop where you describe the dynamics of the relationship between you and the bully and then remind yourself of your innate value, grant yourself permission to step away from the abuse, and to create internal boundaries with fear, obligation, or guilt.
3. You need to strike back harder to they know not to mess with you: Bully narcissists do not tend to back down. Your attempt to fight back only serves as more fuel to them and they will ramp up their threats, intensify rumors, and spiral into a rage. Do NOT ever let the bully narcissist see you upset. Do what is called “becoming a gray rock,” meaning hide your hurt and refuse to engage in combat. Over time the bully will find you boring and lead them to a new victim. The best defense is to have documentation so that if you have to consult with your manager or HR department you have already written everything down.
Office bullies come in a variety of forms, but the bullying narcissist is often celebrated in unhealthy cultures for their confidence and grandiosity and any attempt to dismantle their stellar reputation will only feed their intense insecurities. Narcissistic leaders will most likely jeopardize their organizations as they blame others for failures, ignore complaints, or are overconfident in their abilities and judgement. If the leadership of your organization refuses to reprimand or deal with the bullying narcissist, they will find that eventually they lose good, hardworking staff. Ultimately, harassment is a violation of your employee rights according to the EEOC. This includes being harassed for reporting violations by your employer. You can find more from the EEOC. The EEOC[3] site also gives the steps they recommend if you feel your rights are being violated. In addition, there are labor attorneys with whom you can consult.
[1] Taylor, S. G., Locklear, L. R., Kluemper, D. H., & Lu, X. (2022). Beyond targets and instigators: Examining workplace incivility in dyads and the moderating role of perceived incivility norms. Journal of Applied Psychology, 107(8), 1288–1302. https://doi.org/10.1037/apl0000910
[2] https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0191886919305598#!
